I do not believe this, I got a letter from the tax credit office, telling me they wanted my actual earnings for last year, as the payments I was getting are based on an estimate, my estimate is HIGHER than the actual, guess what they did..... Made my payments LOWER! yes I now receive less than I did before, I wish I had said I earned more now, maybe they would have put it up! So am now £89.00 a month worse off, which means I am now struggling even more than I was last week. What is happening to me???????????????????
Life is so bloody unfair. I still have no idea what is happening with my house, am I staying or leaving, I do not want to hand over a whole months rent if he is not going to give me a tenancy agreement how do I know he is not just going to take my money and chuck me out anyway? The way my life is going that is exactly what would happen.
Sitting here desperately trying to think of ways to bring in extra money, things are now getting VERY desperate, I couldn't manage BEFORE they put my money down, now; well I may as well give up, I am seriously considering re-homing our 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and putting our furniture - that's a laugh what furniture - into storage and settling in at the homeless hostel - ahh such joy, full of smokers, no hopers, foreign spongers, UK spongers, ahh yes just the place to bring my well behaved well brought up children who HAVE morals! yes might as well DIE!
I just don't believe all this is happening to me again, how much more am I going to have to take before I manage to stay put in a nice place and be happy?
I really wish I could buy my own place, but with prices going up and up and up all the bloody time, how the hell am I supposed to do that I cant even save money now, this really is a LIVING HELL!
Please God, stop making my life a misery, HELP ME! You took my mother from me, WHY? I really miss her so damn much, why did you rip her from me? Why do you make my life so miserable, what purpose does this serve? I have done nothing wrong, I don't steel, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I am kind, helpful and considerate, so why are you punishing me?
I really HOPE that things get better soon, as I really don't know how much more I can take, before I end up with a private room at the funny farm. Nice padded cell, three square meals a day, and solitude, maybe I should just start banging my head against the wall in practice, as this is certainly where I will end up.
Oh well, back to trying to work out some way on this bloody horrid earth to bring in an extra bit of money each month.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Depressed today
Oh well, the good times had to end at some point I suppose.
My life is about to get messy again, just as I thought I had found a good place it is ripped out from under me...
I have until the 3rd march to find another place as I have to move out, an argument with my landlord over the neighbours, who delight in pissing in my garden, and throwing their rubbish over, and he blames me.
But as I don't have any money this means putting the little bit of furniture I have into storage, and going into a homeless shelter! NOT NICE!
Oh and selling off the family pets, as I wont be able to take them into one of those! pets are NOT allowed...
I am so upset this evening, he just turned up five Min's after I got in, and I had not had time to look in the garden, he goes waltzing out there and finds piss and poo - yes human poo - and their rubbish in my garden, then blamed me, I told him it was the neighbours he even saw them open their back door and piss over the fence but said nothing, half an hour later I get a text message telling me to pack up and move out.
Bloody sod.
So am really down today... Why cant my life stay good for just enough time for me to get myself organized why does it always screw up??? I try so hard and all the time am being let down by other people, it is just not fair.
My life is about to get messy again, just as I thought I had found a good place it is ripped out from under me...
I have until the 3rd march to find another place as I have to move out, an argument with my landlord over the neighbours, who delight in pissing in my garden, and throwing their rubbish over, and he blames me.
But as I don't have any money this means putting the little bit of furniture I have into storage, and going into a homeless shelter! NOT NICE!
Oh and selling off the family pets, as I wont be able to take them into one of those! pets are NOT allowed...
I am so upset this evening, he just turned up five Min's after I got in, and I had not had time to look in the garden, he goes waltzing out there and finds piss and poo - yes human poo - and their rubbish in my garden, then blamed me, I told him it was the neighbours he even saw them open their back door and piss over the fence but said nothing, half an hour later I get a text message telling me to pack up and move out.
Bloody sod.
So am really down today... Why cant my life stay good for just enough time for me to get myself organized why does it always screw up??? I try so hard and all the time am being let down by other people, it is just not fair.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Men! Who the hell do they think they are???
Well depressing is what I would call today, bloody hell raising depressing. I mean AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Had a 'meeting' with my 'husband' - I use the term loosely you understand! - He summoned me over to collect some post, and to enable him to add me to his car insurance so I can 'borrow' his car this Thursday, as my son has a job interview for an aircraft company and they want him accompanied by me! - He is under 16 - I get to the train station after trying to call him for ages, only to find when he finally answers he is still asleep, so I start walking towards his house - mine too I might add I own half but that's another story -it is bloody raining and by now cold, he finally meets up with me after getting his head into gear and figuring out where he left the car keys - his excuse not mine - The journey back is quiet.
I walk in - after a quick trip to the bank as I had to repay my brother the money he lent me earlier in the year - he offers me a coffee, we sit down, he moans, he goes on and on about this and that which he hates/is annoyed by/cant stand etc etc, I remain happy throughout, but knowing that after a while he will wear me down, eventually after he finally manages to sort things out, he tells me the real reason he wanted me over was for a cuddle because the poor soul is not feeling well - ahhh - poor baby, he is not well, let us bring out the harps, and the violinist's must make the poor man feel better - Hello does he ever care about me when I am ill??? does he heck! no he couldn't care less, never get a phone call or an offer of a cuddle - not that I am that sad you understand - but like a bloody mug that I am I gave him a hug, BIG mistake! I still love him you see, I just cant live with him, he drives me bloody mad.
After spending all day moaning at me, putting me down, making me feel like crap, talking to me like a two year old etc etc he finally gets me cross - and get this!!! He is finally happy! So why does he not manage to be happy until he has made me thoroughly miserable?? I have never understood this, and this is what I have had to live with for 13 years, it didn't bother me when the children were babies, as I was preoccupied all the time, it went over my head, but now, some days I am in a really good mood, something great has happened, and he just keeps on and on putting me down until I feel bad again. And I am so bloody stupid I let the git do it.
I am so very cross with myself. I was really happy today, I got two £10 gift vouchers through from Tesco, and someone called from the national business awards, telling me he was interested in finding out more about me and my companies, I was really really happy. Now I just feel suicidal.
I will however get over it, after a few drinks - of my 18yr olds bottle of baileys - I will feel better, watch a movie, and all will be well again, but why does he have to do this to me?
I tried talking to him about it, but then he just acts like there is nothing wrong, and I am the one with the problem... well maybe I am, I don't care, I am gonna try harder to stay focused that things will get better, and one day I shall be earning more money than him and I will be happier than him, and he can stay in his pit of misery!
Had a 'meeting' with my 'husband' - I use the term loosely you understand! - He summoned me over to collect some post, and to enable him to add me to his car insurance so I can 'borrow' his car this Thursday, as my son has a job interview for an aircraft company and they want him accompanied by me! - He is under 16 - I get to the train station after trying to call him for ages, only to find when he finally answers he is still asleep, so I start walking towards his house - mine too I might add I own half but that's another story -it is bloody raining and by now cold, he finally meets up with me after getting his head into gear and figuring out where he left the car keys - his excuse not mine - The journey back is quiet.
I walk in - after a quick trip to the bank as I had to repay my brother the money he lent me earlier in the year - he offers me a coffee, we sit down, he moans, he goes on and on about this and that which he hates/is annoyed by/cant stand etc etc, I remain happy throughout, but knowing that after a while he will wear me down, eventually after he finally manages to sort things out, he tells me the real reason he wanted me over was for a cuddle because the poor soul is not feeling well - ahhh - poor baby, he is not well, let us bring out the harps, and the violinist's must make the poor man feel better - Hello does he ever care about me when I am ill??? does he heck! no he couldn't care less, never get a phone call or an offer of a cuddle - not that I am that sad you understand - but like a bloody mug that I am I gave him a hug, BIG mistake! I still love him you see, I just cant live with him, he drives me bloody mad.
After spending all day moaning at me, putting me down, making me feel like crap, talking to me like a two year old etc etc he finally gets me cross - and get this!!! He is finally happy! So why does he not manage to be happy until he has made me thoroughly miserable?? I have never understood this, and this is what I have had to live with for 13 years, it didn't bother me when the children were babies, as I was preoccupied all the time, it went over my head, but now, some days I am in a really good mood, something great has happened, and he just keeps on and on putting me down until I feel bad again. And I am so bloody stupid I let the git do it.
I am so very cross with myself. I was really happy today, I got two £10 gift vouchers through from Tesco, and someone called from the national business awards, telling me he was interested in finding out more about me and my companies, I was really really happy. Now I just feel suicidal.
I will however get over it, after a few drinks - of my 18yr olds bottle of baileys - I will feel better, watch a movie, and all will be well again, but why does he have to do this to me?
I tried talking to him about it, but then he just acts like there is nothing wrong, and I am the one with the problem... well maybe I am, I don't care, I am gonna try harder to stay focused that things will get better, and one day I shall be earning more money than him and I will be happier than him, and he can stay in his pit of misery!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Evening report
I feel slightly fed up this evening, I do hope they deliver my fridge tomorrow, I cannot carry on like this much longer, having no refrigeration for our food, means we have some strange meals. Tonight when I went shopping all they had in my price range (£2.99) was some due date sausages, a few potatoes and a tin of beans, the sausages were fancy ones, and I always panic if I have to by them in case the children wont eat them.
I am very lucky with my kids, they will eat just about anything, for which I am eternally grateful. I still dream of the day we own beds! yes bed's, those lovely soft items one normally spends the evening tucked up in! Well we do not have them, oh I tell a lie we have two beds between 7 of us, we take it in turns to get a night in 'The Bed' it is a pleasure to look forward to when it is ones turn in 'The Bed' , normal people also have things called 'Sofas' yes those lovely soft chair type items one sits in to view the goggle box, well we don't have one of those either!
I also have to trek the half mile each way to the Laundromat with heavy bags to do our washing, I cant afford to dry them there though so have to bring the wet washing home, and have it strewn all over the house, it looks like Beirut in our house most days.
Kids are back to school tomorrow, so early night for all concerned, hopefully I will get to sleep all night I don't think I have had a good nights sleep for about 2 years, no I lie, it is more like 18!
18 Years of sleepless nights, started with children waking me up all hours, then progressed to a husband who demanded I woke him for his 3am shift, and stayed up late to cook for him when he was on his late shift, which meant me staying up until usually midnight to then start cooking again getting to bed around 2am, then having to get up again at 6am! To get the kids ready for school.
I seem to always be forgetting things, and loosing things, mind you the loosing stuff is mainly due to having no storage at the moment except for two dirty smelly units I found in our old garage and have brought here to clean and use, they still smell musty and old though!
Our neighbours one side are Croatian, and boy do they make some noise, cap this with parading around their house naked, and pissing up my fence in the garden, life is not good at the moment!
Most nights they start their loud music and shouting around 10pm, if I have by some miracle managed to get to sleep before this watershed then I am usually OK! BUT if I am late for any reason, then I am kept awake by the awful noise until they finally go to sleep around 4am, all very nice but when one has to be up and dressed by 6.30am to get 4 children ready for school (I am fortunate the older two are not here at the moment they are at college!) it is not easy.
Most days I seem to walk around like a zombie, never knowing which way to turn or where I put my morning coffee.
My kids are good kids though helpful and caring individuals, for this I thank the lord every single night. In my line of work (huh that's a joke at the moment with no current clients!) I see lots of frazzled parents who have bloody awful kids, this makes mine behave even more - they hate to see children miss-behaving! and makes me appreciate the hard work I did on them all those years ago!
God knows six children is a handful, but with well behaved kids (most of the time anyway) It makes for an easier life, I tell you if my lot were nasty horrid kids I would commit suicide.
Managed to buy a cheap bottle of battery acid yesterday (Tesco cheap red wine) one glass rips the insides off your stomach and causes you to feel warm and fuzzy - probably for all the wrong reasons! So am downing the last of it, I don't care I need a drink, life is really getting me down, getting my housing benefit through was supposed to help me, but I don't know how I am going to manage with it being in arrears and four weekly, can I hold out until November to get back into a financial routine? well only one way to find out - if I am still here blogging in November you know I made it!
I am very lucky with my kids, they will eat just about anything, for which I am eternally grateful. I still dream of the day we own beds! yes bed's, those lovely soft items one normally spends the evening tucked up in! Well we do not have them, oh I tell a lie we have two beds between 7 of us, we take it in turns to get a night in 'The Bed' it is a pleasure to look forward to when it is ones turn in 'The Bed' , normal people also have things called 'Sofas' yes those lovely soft chair type items one sits in to view the goggle box, well we don't have one of those either!
I also have to trek the half mile each way to the Laundromat with heavy bags to do our washing, I cant afford to dry them there though so have to bring the wet washing home, and have it strewn all over the house, it looks like Beirut in our house most days.
Kids are back to school tomorrow, so early night for all concerned, hopefully I will get to sleep all night I don't think I have had a good nights sleep for about 2 years, no I lie, it is more like 18!
18 Years of sleepless nights, started with children waking me up all hours, then progressed to a husband who demanded I woke him for his 3am shift, and stayed up late to cook for him when he was on his late shift, which meant me staying up until usually midnight to then start cooking again getting to bed around 2am, then having to get up again at 6am! To get the kids ready for school.
I seem to always be forgetting things, and loosing things, mind you the loosing stuff is mainly due to having no storage at the moment except for two dirty smelly units I found in our old garage and have brought here to clean and use, they still smell musty and old though!
Our neighbours one side are Croatian, and boy do they make some noise, cap this with parading around their house naked, and pissing up my fence in the garden, life is not good at the moment!
Most nights they start their loud music and shouting around 10pm, if I have by some miracle managed to get to sleep before this watershed then I am usually OK! BUT if I am late for any reason, then I am kept awake by the awful noise until they finally go to sleep around 4am, all very nice but when one has to be up and dressed by 6.30am to get 4 children ready for school (I am fortunate the older two are not here at the moment they are at college!) it is not easy.
Most days I seem to walk around like a zombie, never knowing which way to turn or where I put my morning coffee.
My kids are good kids though helpful and caring individuals, for this I thank the lord every single night. In my line of work (huh that's a joke at the moment with no current clients!) I see lots of frazzled parents who have bloody awful kids, this makes mine behave even more - they hate to see children miss-behaving! and makes me appreciate the hard work I did on them all those years ago!
God knows six children is a handful, but with well behaved kids (most of the time anyway) It makes for an easier life, I tell you if my lot were nasty horrid kids I would commit suicide.
Managed to buy a cheap bottle of battery acid yesterday (Tesco cheap red wine) one glass rips the insides off your stomach and causes you to feel warm and fuzzy - probably for all the wrong reasons! So am downing the last of it, I don't care I need a drink, life is really getting me down, getting my housing benefit through was supposed to help me, but I don't know how I am going to manage with it being in arrears and four weekly, can I hold out until November to get back into a financial routine? well only one way to find out - if I am still here blogging in November you know I made it!
Still miserable monday
Well, I managed to buy a fridge, for £30, and I managed to get a cheap microwave for £25, very bloody heavy to carry back from town though - the microwave not the fridge that is being delivered!
So I am getting there - slowly...
I picked up some paint for 10p per can, so that together with the purchase of some dulux paint for £2 a pot, I shall be able to start decorating very soon...
I know maybe I should not be thinking of decorating but I need something to occupy my mind and my hands. I have a small job on Thursday but £20 wont make a great deal of difference to me at the moment.
I am hoping to get myself organised soon when my new debit card arrives, at the moment I have only a cash card which means if I want to spend £3.00 I have to take out £10. which means I over spend by £7.00 as the money if in my purse gets spent! It cannot be helped, especially when I am so stressed, I cannot think properly.
Anyway no bad news in the post, so hopefully all will be OK for a while. I have this appeal thing with the tax office to complete asap, regarding a supposed overpayment they think they made to me for - get this - £12,800! I ask you, I think I would know if I was given that amount of money wouldn't you?
well, hopefully tomorrow I shall feel happier, though I doubt it, I have to visit my husband, he has some paperwork to go through with me, and basically wants to bitch at me all day, so no doubt I shall come home with a headache, and feeling thoroughly lousy!
But hey who cares? it's only me, I don't matter do I? - But I do matter, and trying to make HIM know this is a bloody nightmare.
So I am getting there - slowly...
I picked up some paint for 10p per can, so that together with the purchase of some dulux paint for £2 a pot, I shall be able to start decorating very soon...
I know maybe I should not be thinking of decorating but I need something to occupy my mind and my hands. I have a small job on Thursday but £20 wont make a great deal of difference to me at the moment.
I am hoping to get myself organised soon when my new debit card arrives, at the moment I have only a cash card which means if I want to spend £3.00 I have to take out £10. which means I over spend by £7.00 as the money if in my purse gets spent! It cannot be helped, especially when I am so stressed, I cannot think properly.
Anyway no bad news in the post, so hopefully all will be OK for a while. I have this appeal thing with the tax office to complete asap, regarding a supposed overpayment they think they made to me for - get this - £12,800! I ask you, I think I would know if I was given that amount of money wouldn't you?
well, hopefully tomorrow I shall feel happier, though I doubt it, I have to visit my husband, he has some paperwork to go through with me, and basically wants to bitch at me all day, so no doubt I shall come home with a headache, and feeling thoroughly lousy!
But hey who cares? it's only me, I don't matter do I? - But I do matter, and trying to make HIM know this is a bloody nightmare.
Monday miserable monday!
Woke up this morning with difficulty, I had a very bad nights sleep, have no idea why. My eldest daughter was back to school today, and I had a job to get up to see her before she left, I hate being this tired.
But with the amount of stress I live with, I am told it is no wonder I cannot sleep well. 'Stress' funny word, how does one gauge ones stress 'level' ? some days I cope very well, and others I just want to curl into a ball and die.
Life stinks! Why o why did I ever want to grow up? I often ask myself that question, especially over the last few weeks, when we were sitting here in the freezing cold, because I could not afford to get gas put on the damn gas card.
I HATE being poor, I HATE being like this, it really depresses me. I am so depressed at times, if it was not for the children I really would have quit a long time ago.
People tell me that I will be ok now, how do they know? do they have some insight I don't? I mean, yes the housing benefit is sorted, but do they know just how long it will take me to get sorted with it being paid in arrears, and four weekly at that?
I will tell you how long it will take me - Until November! thats how bloody long...
I would not mind too much if I had got the job at my kids school, I applied the day I saw the advert, handed in my application, must have been the first one to do so, and have I heard a damn thing? No! nothing, closing date has been and gone, and they have not even invited me in for an interview. Now that job would have really suited me down to the ground, working at the school, getting holidays off, meant I would not have to worry about collecting my children at 3.05PM! Now I am going to have to try harder to either bring work in (but my heart is not currently in it - I feel ashamed) or try to find a well paid part time job. Do you know how hard it is to find a well paid part time job? non-existant they are!
God I get so bloody Angry, here I am fighting all the time, and my ex husband...where is he? oh he is sunning himself down under, earning lots of money, and having a whale of a time! and me? I am sitting here in poverty, living on the crumb line which for those of you who don't know is BELOW the bread line!
I live day to day, can't even afford to live week to week, life is that hard for us, if it was not for the generosity of the newspaper readers last week, my kids would still be wearing shoes with holes in, how do you think it made me feel when we had snow? oh yes bloody great - not! The poor little things having to walk to school with religious shoes (holey!) feet getting wet, and freezing, mind you I was just as bad, mine were full of holes too, I cannot afford boots for them.
But last week, I was able to buy them and me new shoes, I was not spending loads, each pair cost me between £3.00 and £5.00 a pair, today I hope to buy a fridge and a microwave! yes joy in the thought that I will no longer have to wake up to lumpy milk, and be able to cook a quick meal in the microwave, we live on rice and pasta at the moment, because it is cheap, and fills you up!
I hope to be able to speak with the local church this week, as I was informed by one of my donaters that they have free furniture, I am hoping to get a couple of beds and a sofa at least.
I got asked the other day why I was having sky installed when I have no money, well I told them, I used to pay £27.99 a month for my broadband, I was offered Sky max broadband and sky TV for £25.00 a month, what could I say but YES!, a saving of £2.99 and I get sky TV, it keeps the kids happy with this weather being as bad as it is, and means I can continue to run my computer business from home, as I have a fast Internet connection, so managing the host of websites I design and manage is a lot easier.
I have saved money, £2.99 a month might not seem much but it is nearly £36 a year!
I do however feel I am finally getting somewhere, but I still have a very long way to go, life is very hard, and will be for some time, I shall get some respite when the summer gets here provided we actually get a summer this year!
I am dreading the post arriving, it usually has some kind of bill or moaning letter in it, I wish for once I could have no worries, it would be so nice to sleep well, and to wake up refreshed and worry free. Maybe one day - when pigs learn to fly!
I try really hard to stay optimistic but it is not easy, sometimes i wish I had stopped trying to work and sat on my arse and claimed income support - but I would hate myself, it goes against my morals, I wanted children and therefore I should provide for them, not rely on the government to and other tax payers.
One day I will wake up and be worry free, but until then - I just become a stronger woman!
But with the amount of stress I live with, I am told it is no wonder I cannot sleep well. 'Stress' funny word, how does one gauge ones stress 'level' ? some days I cope very well, and others I just want to curl into a ball and die.
Life stinks! Why o why did I ever want to grow up? I often ask myself that question, especially over the last few weeks, when we were sitting here in the freezing cold, because I could not afford to get gas put on the damn gas card.
I HATE being poor, I HATE being like this, it really depresses me. I am so depressed at times, if it was not for the children I really would have quit a long time ago.
People tell me that I will be ok now, how do they know? do they have some insight I don't? I mean, yes the housing benefit is sorted, but do they know just how long it will take me to get sorted with it being paid in arrears, and four weekly at that?
I will tell you how long it will take me - Until November! thats how bloody long...
I would not mind too much if I had got the job at my kids school, I applied the day I saw the advert, handed in my application, must have been the first one to do so, and have I heard a damn thing? No! nothing, closing date has been and gone, and they have not even invited me in for an interview. Now that job would have really suited me down to the ground, working at the school, getting holidays off, meant I would not have to worry about collecting my children at 3.05PM! Now I am going to have to try harder to either bring work in (but my heart is not currently in it - I feel ashamed) or try to find a well paid part time job. Do you know how hard it is to find a well paid part time job? non-existant they are!
God I get so bloody Angry, here I am fighting all the time, and my ex husband...where is he? oh he is sunning himself down under, earning lots of money, and having a whale of a time! and me? I am sitting here in poverty, living on the crumb line which for those of you who don't know is BELOW the bread line!
I live day to day, can't even afford to live week to week, life is that hard for us, if it was not for the generosity of the newspaper readers last week, my kids would still be wearing shoes with holes in, how do you think it made me feel when we had snow? oh yes bloody great - not! The poor little things having to walk to school with religious shoes (holey!) feet getting wet, and freezing, mind you I was just as bad, mine were full of holes too, I cannot afford boots for them.
But last week, I was able to buy them and me new shoes, I was not spending loads, each pair cost me between £3.00 and £5.00 a pair, today I hope to buy a fridge and a microwave! yes joy in the thought that I will no longer have to wake up to lumpy milk, and be able to cook a quick meal in the microwave, we live on rice and pasta at the moment, because it is cheap, and fills you up!
I hope to be able to speak with the local church this week, as I was informed by one of my donaters that they have free furniture, I am hoping to get a couple of beds and a sofa at least.
I got asked the other day why I was having sky installed when I have no money, well I told them, I used to pay £27.99 a month for my broadband, I was offered Sky max broadband and sky TV for £25.00 a month, what could I say but YES!, a saving of £2.99 and I get sky TV, it keeps the kids happy with this weather being as bad as it is, and means I can continue to run my computer business from home, as I have a fast Internet connection, so managing the host of websites I design and manage is a lot easier.
I have saved money, £2.99 a month might not seem much but it is nearly £36 a year!
I do however feel I am finally getting somewhere, but I still have a very long way to go, life is very hard, and will be for some time, I shall get some respite when the summer gets here provided we actually get a summer this year!
I am dreading the post arriving, it usually has some kind of bill or moaning letter in it, I wish for once I could have no worries, it would be so nice to sleep well, and to wake up refreshed and worry free. Maybe one day - when pigs learn to fly!
I try really hard to stay optimistic but it is not easy, sometimes i wish I had stopped trying to work and sat on my arse and claimed income support - but I would hate myself, it goes against my morals, I wanted children and therefore I should provide for them, not rely on the government to and other tax payers.
One day I will wake up and be worry free, but until then - I just become a stronger woman!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Let me bring you upto date here!
My past is scarred, with my first failed marriage, due to physical abuse, I had three children with this man, the only good thing to come out it.
My second marriage, resulted in another three lovely kids, which I class as another good thing.
I am still married, but this may well change at some point in the not too distant future.
I am blessed with six wonderful children, three boys and three girls. And yes I do mean BLESSED! I love my children, I live for them, if it was not for my wonderful children my life would be a miserable existence.
I would have given up long ago if it was not for them keeping me going, keeping me young, and making me feel life can get better.
Last year was a difficult year for me, I was becoming very restless, not happy at home, with arguments as frequent as the buses, I felt UN-loved, and UN-appreciated. Then when my mother sadly passed away in August, I felt lost inside. I did not feel I had accomplished anything in my life other than my children.
This did not make me feel good. This in fact made me feel very bad.
I decided that my previous efforts to leave my husband had failed due to lack of motivation on my behalf, I did not have the strength to fight another battle. My life had been one long battle. My ex-husband was NOT a nice man, he tried everything, from calling social services, to trying to steal my children and take them abroad, he never wanted the children, except perhaps our daughter, but still it did not stop him from trying to ruin our lives. We are thankfully shot of him as he now lives abroad, the other side of this big world.
And each day we thank our lucky stars that he can no longer cause us pain.
My second husband though fairly kind, is not easy to live with, having had 8 years of abuse, I needed calm and help to get over the bad things that happened to me, sadly this was not to be, as no matter what I did for him or how I tried to be the 'perfect' wife it was never good enough, and so after 13 years of this I decided enough was enough.
November third 2006 was the day I changed my life, it was the day I stopped being this married woman pandering to her husbands needs, and started being Me!
Yes it was hard, yes I made mistakes, but YES I felt better, the kids happier, and I knew it was the right decision.
I had no money, a failing business (due to husbands knack of ruining things) and no place to go, homeless housing was not an option, having tried that earlier in the year I would not recommend it to anyone! Instead I thought hard, I sat down and tried really hard to come up with an option.
A way out of this misery, then one night after asking my mother for help, it came to me. I already had a small loan with a loan shark, paying weekly amounts, and though I had asked before for higher amounts and been turned down, it was worth a try, the gods must have been on my side, because I asked for £1000 and they said yes, once they took the money for the amount left owing from the previous loan I had £810 to spend, this combined with £200 I had managed to save up over the last few weeks, meant I had £1010 to spend on renting a place for us to live.
The following day I realised the gods were with us, as in the paper was a small 2 bed bungalow for rent for £550 per month, around here that is unheard of! I rang and was the first one to call, I went straight over to view it, and though not perfect was OK for now, and best of all was the fact that with hard cash in my hand I was able to negotiate the deposit down to just £200, which meant I had £360 left to help me with the move, and to buy anything I could not take with us.
And so for the next few days I moved things out whilst my husband was at work, it was not easy, but I managed it, and then on the day I moved the 3rd November my husband left for work at 3am, I kissed him goodbye, the heartache I felt nearly made me stop, and stay there. But I thought about the life I had, and the one I wanted, and found the strength to carry on, as he left the road and turned the corner, I went back inside and started packing.
It took several trips backwards and forwards with the car to move everything, and in the end I had to leave some behind as I did not want to be there when he came home, it would be too painful for me, and he would try to talk me out of it.
I wiped a tear from my eye as I left the house for the last time.
Though times were hard, we managed and gradually I got my life back. My kids were happier because I was happier. Life was good.
Then disaster struck, at the beginning of December I got sick, I had already been having daily asthma attacks, but didn't link it to the house, I got a cough that would not shift, it got worse, and as such by the end of December I was coughing up blood, I didn't dare go to the doctor as she would definitely have sent me to hospital. I found out what the problem was, inside the house the walls were damp, this progressed to large mould patches growing on the walls, even mushroom type moulds growing from my bedroom floor, what really repulsed me though was when I changed the mattresses over on the children's beds and found to my disgust that they were rotten with mould, large furry green mould all over, my kids had been sleeping on this, no wonder they too were getting sick.
I spoke to my landlord and he ignored the subject entirely and chose to completely forget what I had said, when I moaned again he told me to put up and shut up. That was the red flag to the bull, my rent was due, I paid him with a rubber cheque, as he had said he was going on holiday for two weeks, this would give me the chance I thought to escape the house and find another, and I would have a little money to rent it with.
Sadly three days later he told me he was too sick to travel, and would be staying home, now I was panicking, how the hell can I get out without him noticing when he lives next door?
Then I decided to lie, I told him because of my illness I had to go into hospital and so the kids would be going to my sisters (I don't have one!) he bought it, and carefully over two days I moved things out, however finding another place to go to took a bit of cunning on my part, with very little money I did not have a months rent or even a months deposit. After searching the papers for days, I found a four bed house about 14 miles away, and rang to ask about it, he said it was still available, and that he was OK to work out terms for the deposit. When I saw it I explained that the place I was in was terrible, and I really needed to get out, I told him I could pay the rent weekly, and then in a couple of months would be able to pay monthly and pay the deposit, he came back to me with a proposal, he would let me have the house if I found £400 up front by Thursday (two days away!) OK I said... Then panic again, on the phone to my brother 'can you lend me some money?' fortunately he said yes, and so I borrowed the £400 I needed to pay the two weeks rent in advance, and got the keys.
At last I felt safe, and happy, we moved in on the 3rd January, and I thought all was going to be well.
Life has a habit of kicking me in the teeth, I was managing - just with the rent, whilst waiting for a housing benefit application to come through, and then disaster struck, my old landlord managed to get my new phone number, all hell broke loose, he rang me threatening me, causing me many sleepless nights until the police finally rang him - oh yes they were so kind - NOT! having told me they would pay him a visit that night and five days later I find out no one has even spoken to him I was a little annoyed! But so far things in that area have calmed down.
However money being very tight, me not currently earning due to having no money to advertise with, I was relying on my housing benefit coming through to help me out, I rang lots of times only to be told it would take a while due to the fact they had installed new computers, and had a back log - why is this my fault? god only knows, and so I was told four weeks. I was angry I wrote to the local news paper, and UN-be known to me they printed it, that was a week ago, the 9th of February, this week apparently the paper got loads of people phoning in, the reporter showed up on my doorstep on Friday with some letters, which contained cash! £155 to be precise, I was in shock, I immediately said yes to the article, as a way of saying thank you to those kind people who sent in money and support.
Funny thing is, on Tuesday I got a letter from the council telling me they had set up my BACS payments, then Thursday I got a payment from them for £131, and a letter telling me my benefit was sorted and I would get it four weekly in arrears, and that my back payment was currently being looked at!
This brings you up to date, as I sit here I can see light at the end of the tunnel, but still have a long journey ahead of me, I still have no beds, no settee, no fridge, no freezer, no washing machine, and things are still hard, it cost's me a lot to feed us each week because I have no freezer or fridge, but I am getting there, now I have this kind donation money I can buy a fridge, and a microwave, and at least we will be able to keep food fresh, and cook easier than we can at the moment.
I am slowly arranging my life to fall around the four weekly in arrears payments, and trying to get us into some kind of routine.
Life is very hard, we have a gas card meter and an electric key meter, which means if I cant afford to put money on we either have no gas, no electric or both, and I can tell you when we had the snow, I had no money - we froze for a few days!
I do not have an over draft, I do not have a credit card, and I don't have anyone who can lend me money, so when I have no money I really have just that - NO MONEY!
Trying to get people to understand this is not easy, people look on in disbelief that I have no actual money at times.
But it has brought us together, we are stronger now, and so am I personally.
I have come through this, I think shining, and I know things will get better soon, I just hope life does not kick me again just yet, let me at least get on my feet a bit first, Please?
It is hoped that this blog will help other people struggling with life to see that it can change, that there are Nice people out there, and your dreams can come true, I hope to one day write a book, and that my business's will shine, I have worked hard on them, and hopefully they will bring me in some good money soon.
You can visit my websites from my links page.
This is intended to be a daily diary of my life as a single mum.
I do hope you like it, and that you visit again soon.
Mandy
My second marriage, resulted in another three lovely kids, which I class as another good thing.
I am still married, but this may well change at some point in the not too distant future.
I am blessed with six wonderful children, three boys and three girls. And yes I do mean BLESSED! I love my children, I live for them, if it was not for my wonderful children my life would be a miserable existence.
I would have given up long ago if it was not for them keeping me going, keeping me young, and making me feel life can get better.
Last year was a difficult year for me, I was becoming very restless, not happy at home, with arguments as frequent as the buses, I felt UN-loved, and UN-appreciated. Then when my mother sadly passed away in August, I felt lost inside. I did not feel I had accomplished anything in my life other than my children.
This did not make me feel good. This in fact made me feel very bad.
I decided that my previous efforts to leave my husband had failed due to lack of motivation on my behalf, I did not have the strength to fight another battle. My life had been one long battle. My ex-husband was NOT a nice man, he tried everything, from calling social services, to trying to steal my children and take them abroad, he never wanted the children, except perhaps our daughter, but still it did not stop him from trying to ruin our lives. We are thankfully shot of him as he now lives abroad, the other side of this big world.
And each day we thank our lucky stars that he can no longer cause us pain.
My second husband though fairly kind, is not easy to live with, having had 8 years of abuse, I needed calm and help to get over the bad things that happened to me, sadly this was not to be, as no matter what I did for him or how I tried to be the 'perfect' wife it was never good enough, and so after 13 years of this I decided enough was enough.
November third 2006 was the day I changed my life, it was the day I stopped being this married woman pandering to her husbands needs, and started being Me!
Yes it was hard, yes I made mistakes, but YES I felt better, the kids happier, and I knew it was the right decision.
I had no money, a failing business (due to husbands knack of ruining things) and no place to go, homeless housing was not an option, having tried that earlier in the year I would not recommend it to anyone! Instead I thought hard, I sat down and tried really hard to come up with an option.
A way out of this misery, then one night after asking my mother for help, it came to me. I already had a small loan with a loan shark, paying weekly amounts, and though I had asked before for higher amounts and been turned down, it was worth a try, the gods must have been on my side, because I asked for £1000 and they said yes, once they took the money for the amount left owing from the previous loan I had £810 to spend, this combined with £200 I had managed to save up over the last few weeks, meant I had £1010 to spend on renting a place for us to live.
The following day I realised the gods were with us, as in the paper was a small 2 bed bungalow for rent for £550 per month, around here that is unheard of! I rang and was the first one to call, I went straight over to view it, and though not perfect was OK for now, and best of all was the fact that with hard cash in my hand I was able to negotiate the deposit down to just £200, which meant I had £360 left to help me with the move, and to buy anything I could not take with us.
And so for the next few days I moved things out whilst my husband was at work, it was not easy, but I managed it, and then on the day I moved the 3rd November my husband left for work at 3am, I kissed him goodbye, the heartache I felt nearly made me stop, and stay there. But I thought about the life I had, and the one I wanted, and found the strength to carry on, as he left the road and turned the corner, I went back inside and started packing.
It took several trips backwards and forwards with the car to move everything, and in the end I had to leave some behind as I did not want to be there when he came home, it would be too painful for me, and he would try to talk me out of it.
I wiped a tear from my eye as I left the house for the last time.
Though times were hard, we managed and gradually I got my life back. My kids were happier because I was happier. Life was good.
Then disaster struck, at the beginning of December I got sick, I had already been having daily asthma attacks, but didn't link it to the house, I got a cough that would not shift, it got worse, and as such by the end of December I was coughing up blood, I didn't dare go to the doctor as she would definitely have sent me to hospital. I found out what the problem was, inside the house the walls were damp, this progressed to large mould patches growing on the walls, even mushroom type moulds growing from my bedroom floor, what really repulsed me though was when I changed the mattresses over on the children's beds and found to my disgust that they were rotten with mould, large furry green mould all over, my kids had been sleeping on this, no wonder they too were getting sick.
I spoke to my landlord and he ignored the subject entirely and chose to completely forget what I had said, when I moaned again he told me to put up and shut up. That was the red flag to the bull, my rent was due, I paid him with a rubber cheque, as he had said he was going on holiday for two weeks, this would give me the chance I thought to escape the house and find another, and I would have a little money to rent it with.
Sadly three days later he told me he was too sick to travel, and would be staying home, now I was panicking, how the hell can I get out without him noticing when he lives next door?
Then I decided to lie, I told him because of my illness I had to go into hospital and so the kids would be going to my sisters (I don't have one!) he bought it, and carefully over two days I moved things out, however finding another place to go to took a bit of cunning on my part, with very little money I did not have a months rent or even a months deposit. After searching the papers for days, I found a four bed house about 14 miles away, and rang to ask about it, he said it was still available, and that he was OK to work out terms for the deposit. When I saw it I explained that the place I was in was terrible, and I really needed to get out, I told him I could pay the rent weekly, and then in a couple of months would be able to pay monthly and pay the deposit, he came back to me with a proposal, he would let me have the house if I found £400 up front by Thursday (two days away!) OK I said... Then panic again, on the phone to my brother 'can you lend me some money?' fortunately he said yes, and so I borrowed the £400 I needed to pay the two weeks rent in advance, and got the keys.
At last I felt safe, and happy, we moved in on the 3rd January, and I thought all was going to be well.
Life has a habit of kicking me in the teeth, I was managing - just with the rent, whilst waiting for a housing benefit application to come through, and then disaster struck, my old landlord managed to get my new phone number, all hell broke loose, he rang me threatening me, causing me many sleepless nights until the police finally rang him - oh yes they were so kind - NOT! having told me they would pay him a visit that night and five days later I find out no one has even spoken to him I was a little annoyed! But so far things in that area have calmed down.
However money being very tight, me not currently earning due to having no money to advertise with, I was relying on my housing benefit coming through to help me out, I rang lots of times only to be told it would take a while due to the fact they had installed new computers, and had a back log - why is this my fault? god only knows, and so I was told four weeks. I was angry I wrote to the local news paper, and UN-be known to me they printed it, that was a week ago, the 9th of February, this week apparently the paper got loads of people phoning in, the reporter showed up on my doorstep on Friday with some letters, which contained cash! £155 to be precise, I was in shock, I immediately said yes to the article, as a way of saying thank you to those kind people who sent in money and support.
Funny thing is, on Tuesday I got a letter from the council telling me they had set up my BACS payments, then Thursday I got a payment from them for £131, and a letter telling me my benefit was sorted and I would get it four weekly in arrears, and that my back payment was currently being looked at!
This brings you up to date, as I sit here I can see light at the end of the tunnel, but still have a long journey ahead of me, I still have no beds, no settee, no fridge, no freezer, no washing machine, and things are still hard, it cost's me a lot to feed us each week because I have no freezer or fridge, but I am getting there, now I have this kind donation money I can buy a fridge, and a microwave, and at least we will be able to keep food fresh, and cook easier than we can at the moment.
I am slowly arranging my life to fall around the four weekly in arrears payments, and trying to get us into some kind of routine.
Life is very hard, we have a gas card meter and an electric key meter, which means if I cant afford to put money on we either have no gas, no electric or both, and I can tell you when we had the snow, I had no money - we froze for a few days!
I do not have an over draft, I do not have a credit card, and I don't have anyone who can lend me money, so when I have no money I really have just that - NO MONEY!
Trying to get people to understand this is not easy, people look on in disbelief that I have no actual money at times.
But it has brought us together, we are stronger now, and so am I personally.
I have come through this, I think shining, and I know things will get better soon, I just hope life does not kick me again just yet, let me at least get on my feet a bit first, Please?
It is hoped that this blog will help other people struggling with life to see that it can change, that there are Nice people out there, and your dreams can come true, I hope to one day write a book, and that my business's will shine, I have worked hard on them, and hopefully they will bring me in some good money soon.
You can visit my websites from my links page.
This is intended to be a daily diary of my life as a single mum.
I do hope you like it, and that you visit again soon.
Mandy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)