Monday miserable monday!

Woke up this morning with difficulty, I had a very bad nights sleep, have no idea why. My eldest daughter was back to school today, and I had a job to get up to see her before she left, I hate being this tired.
But with the amount of stress I live with, I am told it is no wonder I cannot sleep well. 'Stress' funny word, how does one gauge ones stress 'level' ? some days I cope very well, and others I just want to curl into a ball and die.
Life stinks! Why o why did I ever want to grow up? I often ask myself that question, especially over the last few weeks, when we were sitting here in the freezing cold, because I could not afford to get gas put on the damn gas card.
I HATE being poor, I HATE being like this, it really depresses me. I am so depressed at times, if it was not for the children I really would have quit a long time ago.
People tell me that I will be ok now, how do they know? do they have some insight I don't? I mean, yes the housing benefit is sorted, but do they know just how long it will take me to get sorted with it being paid in arrears, and four weekly at that?
I will tell you how long it will take me - Until November! thats how bloody long...
I would not mind too much if I had got the job at my kids school, I applied the day I saw the advert, handed in my application, must have been the first one to do so, and have I heard a damn thing? No! nothing, closing date has been and gone, and they have not even invited me in for an interview. Now that job would have really suited me down to the ground, working at the school, getting holidays off, meant I would not have to worry about collecting my children at 3.05PM! Now I am going to have to try harder to either bring work in (but my heart is not currently in it - I feel ashamed) or try to find a well paid part time job. Do you know how hard it is to find a well paid part time job? non-existant they are!
God I get so bloody Angry, here I am fighting all the time, and my ex husband...where is he? oh he is sunning himself down under, earning lots of money, and having a whale of a time! and me? I am sitting here in poverty, living on the crumb line which for those of you who don't know is BELOW the bread line!
I live day to day, can't even afford to live week to week, life is that hard for us, if it was not for the generosity of the newspaper readers last week, my kids would still be wearing shoes with holes in, how do you think it made me feel when we had snow? oh yes bloody great - not! The poor little things having to walk to school with religious shoes (holey!) feet getting wet, and freezing, mind you I was just as bad, mine were full of holes too, I cannot afford boots for them.
But last week, I was able to buy them and me new shoes, I was not spending loads, each pair cost me between £3.00 and £5.00 a pair, today I hope to buy a fridge and a microwave! yes joy in the thought that I will no longer have to wake up to lumpy milk, and be able to cook a quick meal in the microwave, we live on rice and pasta at the moment, because it is cheap, and fills you up!
I hope to be able to speak with the local church this week, as I was informed by one of my donaters that they have free furniture, I am hoping to get a couple of beds and a sofa at least.
I got asked the other day why I was having sky installed when I have no money, well I told them, I used to pay £27.99 a month for my broadband, I was offered Sky max broadband and sky TV for £25.00 a month, what could I say but YES!, a saving of £2.99 and I get sky TV, it keeps the kids happy with this weather being as bad as it is, and means I can continue to run my computer business from home, as I have a fast Internet connection, so managing the host of websites I design and manage is a lot easier.
I have saved money, £2.99 a month might not seem much but it is nearly £36 a year!
I do however feel I am finally getting somewhere, but I still have a very long way to go, life is very hard, and will be for some time, I shall get some respite when the summer gets here provided we actually get a summer this year!
I am dreading the post arriving, it usually has some kind of bill or moaning letter in it, I wish for once I could have no worries, it would be so nice to sleep well, and to wake up refreshed and worry free. Maybe one day - when pigs learn to fly!
I try really hard to stay optimistic but it is not easy, sometimes i wish I had stopped trying to work and sat on my arse and claimed income support - but I would hate myself, it goes against my morals, I wanted children and therefore I should provide for them, not rely on the government to and other tax payers.
One day I will wake up and be worry free, but until then - I just become a stronger woman!